How To Wrestle A Madwoman | Phi Phi Islands

Traveling with my daughter Aimee was never dull. On our first night on Phi Phi Island in a dilapidated guesthouse beside the shore, I had just tucked in beside her on our mat on the floor and closed my eyes when I sensed something and sat up. I thought it could be the furry spider that had leapt out from behind a mirror earlier and plopped to the floor, but it wasn't. As I stared down, a black and yellow snake almost six feet long slithered over my daughter's stomach and on to my thighs and slowly off the mat to the floor. I didn't scream, I didn't move a muscle.    

I took off our sheet, bunched it up and threw it over him as it crept away and pushed the creeping mess out the door, even though the bottom of the door ended five inches above the floor. I tucked in every inch of our mosquito netting and went back to bed. The next morning, I told my friends I'd be moving.  

It was a scary snake, for sure, however not nearly as scary as the snake from the Garden of Eden I was about to meet up with when I changed guesthouses the next morning.



The next day Aimee and I checked out. Enough of snakes and hairy things. I knocked on the door of a beach house that had a sign planted in the sand out front with an arrow saying 'Thai Massage' and 'Rooms.' A stark-naked blond woman of about sixty with breasts shaped like papayas answered the door. She hauled her breasts out of the way and said 'come in, come in, I'm just a guest here,' as if it were totally normal to nauseate strangers who are seeking a room. 

'Don't mind me,' she said. As I stood there garping at her loose flesh, an old fat Thai woman came into the room wiping her hands on a tea towel, who said yes, I could stay there, but I would have to stay in the front room on a double bed because all her rooms were full. Fine by me. 

'This is a Christian home,' she informed me. 

'I could tell by my reception,' I said. 

My bed was in the living room, a large room surrounded by windows and filled with blankets, pillows, towels, and massage equipment. I still couldn't get my eyes over the Swedish cake marching all over the house naked with just her teeny pair of knickers to cover her nest, her thin skin rippling like a breeze over water. I knew she was completely nuts. How the hell did she get there? And why was she allowed to walk around like that?

I was starting to like the islands. That night Aimee and I went out with Elaine and Gina, two British women I had met in Krabi and who were the ones who had convinced me to come to Phi Phi, to a fabulous seafood restaurant. They were drinking Mekong Whiskey and encouraged me to buy a pint even though I'd heard it was the worst rotgut in the world, its main intoxicant being formaldehyde. They said they had been drinking it since they had arrived in Thailand to no effect, so I ordered a bottle. After finishing dinner and our whiskey we went to the beach and stayed there half the night with some other people we met who had music and tapes and were loads of fun. We swam and talked, and when Aimee was tired, I tucked her into a sleeping bag beside me. A full moon lit up the bay and it was gorgeous beyond belief. We all had a gay old time.



When I finally made it back to the house at 3am with Aimee, the old woman was up and at it and all fired up and shook her fist and gave me grief for having my child out at that time. She went on about herself being a Christian and why wasn't I being a responsible Christian parent, blah, blah, blah and all this crazy shit. I ignored her and went to bed. It was too late to get into it. The first time I'm out past 10pm with my kid and I get flak from this old bag of wind?

The next day I woke up with the worst hangover in my entire life; I felt like my head had been shot off and reattached with pliers. The old Thai woman's son gave me a head massage and I lay down and slept it off. Later on that night, I met up with Gina and Elaine again, but I had a quiet night because my head was still in recovery. I had left Aimee at the house because she wanted to stay there and watch television and everything seemed to be fine, but when I came back at about 9pm the Swedish cake told me that Aimee had been crying for me and that it had totally irritated the old Thai woman. I shrugged and packed up all my gear and tied up my knapsack and then went to bed, but I never got undressed because intuitively I just knew shit was coming down the pike in the morning. What I didn't realize, was just how much shit.

She didn't waste any part of the morning. At 7am, the old Thai woman strode into the living room where I was sleeping with Aimee and started thrashing around the place saying that I had to find another room as Aimee was crying the night before, and I wasn't there, and what kind of Christian was I, and finally, that I didn't deserve to have a child. Whoa. Back off Satan.

I leaped out of bed ready to go and told Aimee to get dressed, we were leaving. The old woman snarled that she wanted her money for the two nights that I had stayed and I snarled back that I was owed the money for having had to put up with her bitchy ass for two days. But as I was tying up the laces on my shoes and Aimee was putting on her dress, she came at me with a massage roller that she had picked up, a long, rounded piece of assault weapon that she held over her head as she ran at me like a cracked-out banshee. I grabbed her two wrists as she was about to strike and we wrestled and danced left to right, right to left, and I was struck by how strong the old cow was for her age and how I didn't think I could hold her off for much longer. Aimee started to cry and scream and hung on to the old woman's arm that carried her up off her feet, crying 'don't hurt my Mommy, don't hurt my Mommy.' I was yelling, telling her to back off or I'd kill her, when her son ran into the room and grabbed his mother's arms and twisted them behind her back. He pried the massage mallet out of her hand and tossed it into a corner and hauled the old woman backwards, shouting at her in Thai. He looked at me, 'get out now, just go. Sorry, my mother...'

I was missing one shoe, I had sprained my finger, my hand was cut, and I had a traumatized daughter by the time we finally slammed out the front door, the old woman still yelling from the back of the house, arguing with her son. An audience stood collectively outside their huts watching us limp away, but I was positive they'd seen it all before and I waved to them. They chuckled and shook their heads, she was totally mad. 

A Fire in Hua Hin

A Fire In Hua Hin


There's nothing worse than losing your child in a block fire.



After our idyllic rest in Petchburi, we were off again. Just two hours south of Petchburi is Hua Hin, a fabulous seaside town with cute guesthouses all over the place. We made our way from the station on a tuk-tuk.

When we were staying in a small town, it wasn't long before my daughter made friends with all the local kids. I let her go to their houses and do things in the area with them because it was safe and she had so much fun with them. She had to always tell me where she was going. Some people thought I was slack with my daughter's safety because I could read their expressions, but I didn't believe in keeping her beside me every second of the day. She'd be bored. If I was drinking coffee downstairs and my daughter came running up with a friend to tell me she was off again to do something else, I was sometimes asked "You just let her go off like that?" Um, yes, but if I didn't get a good vibe about the kid she'd met it would be no.

The rules were: the kids had to bring her back and she wasn't allowed on the beach or the main streets. Do these kids look threatening? Does my daughter look like she's not enjoying herself?







Aimee's little friends brought her to the local school one day, perhaps she was show and tell. I didn't know exactly where the school was, but it wasn't that far away. I was having a coffee and reading the newspaper at the Headrock Cafe when suddenly I heard a great commotion and shouting coming from up the street. I looked up and saw a commotion. When I stood up to see what was going on, I gulped when I saw people running towards me clutching their belongings and dragging suitcases and wooden wagons and anything else they could carry. They were yelling in Thai words that I couldn't understand and I looked around for somebody who could tell me what was going on.

Then I saw the smoke, billowing plumes of smoke rising above the flimsy wooden Hua Hin guesthouses that lined the street. Hidden behind the guesthouses were all the small huts, rooms, and lean-tos that house all the local Thais, and as I watched terrified people race by me, I wondered where the hell the local school was.



Couches, chairs, dishes, bed-boards, mirrors, mattresses, clothing, tools - everything that could be dragged from their houses was in the street and stacked in towering heaps. People in their panic started throwing water at the fire from small pots and pans, which made about as much sense as bailing out a sinking ship with a cup.



All of a sudden there was a roar from the flames and it looked like it was going to burn the whole block of houses down. The flames were racing up the dry tinder posts near to our guesthouse. Holy shit. Where's Aimee?



I raced up the stairs of my guesthouse two at a time and got my money and passport, then raced back down and into the crowd to search for Aimee. I didn't know if she was still at the school or what. Where the hell is the school? I ran around the streets calling her name, panicking, then circled back towards our guesthouse hoping she'd come back there. If they didn't get to the fire soon, every house would burn down because they were all built from wood.

It seemed longer than it was, but finally I heard sirens and horns blaring from the two fire trucks that were now snarled up in the narrow streets, desperately trying to navigate through the people and the household gear that was strewn everywhere, blocking the alleys. I tripped over furniture and pushed past people, including the firemen with their hoses aimed at the buildings, searching the crowds for what seemed like hours trying to find her when all of a sudden I heard 'Mommy! Mommy!' in the distance. I scanned the road again.

I couldn't see her, but she ran up behind me with her three little friends and grabbed on to me, babbling her story of the evacuation from the school and everybody running home and wasn't it scary? I grabbed her hand, breathing a huge sigh of relief. At the end of the street, we waited with all the others until the fire was extinguished and it was safe to go back in again.

Amazingly the firemen put it out - a catastrophe was thwarted!




Takiak Hill overlooking Hua Hin

Petchburi City

From the train station at Petchburi we boarded a local bus which was going to the Chom Klow Hotel. It was filled with half a dozen elderly Thais dozing with their jackets on in the stifling heat. We asked two old-timers if they were familiar with the hotel and they looked at each other and then back at us with blank stares. We asked another old gent and he gave us the same blank stare, so I wondered what was wrong with these people that they didn't know the location of one of the few hotels in town. I said the name of the hotel a few more times, with a different inflection, when an old man leaning over his cane at the front of the bus sprang to life and spat out Chom Klow. They all started laughing. Yes, yes, yes, that's it, they said, all suddenly coming to life and nodding their heads. Hey, that's what I've been saying, dude! Didn't I? But I'd obviously been using the wrong inflection. Aimee and I laughed and we all felt the good vibes and they cheerfully pointed out the hotel as the bus drove by it.

The Chom Klow Hotel was a scarred and faded five-storey block of cement located beside a muddy river that meandererd through the city. A bridge heavy with traffic and noise crossed nearby. Our room in the back overlooked the water, and after wondering how many mosquitoes would be paying us a visit that night to suck our tired blood, I dumped my bags down and collapsed on the lumpy bed. The fan croaked and groaned as it listlessly turned, doing nothing to dispel the steamy heat.



The first thing my daughter wanted to do was to go to a store and get some chips. I gave her a little money and she was off. Five minutes later I shot up off my bed and ran out of the hotel and up the street, searching everywhere. How could I let her go off like that? Where is she? What was I thinking? I couldn't believe that we hadn't gone through our hotel name, address, and getting a taxi routine.

I was starting to panic scanning the streets and sidewalks and shops when I heard a faint voice through the traffic. "Mom! Mommy! Over here!" I swung around and a redhead in an orange Thai dress stood there waving to me from across the street. Oh my god! I ran over to her, relieved.

We strolled around the town that night. Very near our hotel was a busy night market, filled with a smorgasbord of spicy Thai food. We gorged on all kinds of wonderful things while people turned and stared at us, sometimes reaching out to stroke my daughter's red hair.

An older gentleman around 60 years old approached us and in perfect English he told me he was a retired school teacher and that he had lived in Petchburi his entire life. He would be glad to show us many interesting sites if I so desired. We chatted for a while and we strolled around the market before agreeing to meet the next morning at 8:30.

When Aimee and I went downstairs the next morning, Chumpion was waiting outside in his black 1950 Austin. It was an incredible old car to go touring around in and we had a great time bouncing over all the pot-holed roads to the caves and temples on the outskirts of town. We went to one of the four largest reclining buddhas in Thailand and when I say large, I mean massive. This great photo of a reclining Buddha gives you more of an idea of the vast size of these sculptures.



Here's a reclining buddha, although not the same size.



After visiting another cave and viewing some ancient artefacts, Chumpion took us to a floating library which was over 500 years old. It was just a simple wooden structure standing on stilts in a small pond. Then he took us to his home where we drank tea and ate pie and home-made biscuits. He told stories about Petchburi, Thailand's King, and his own life. He never married and his mother had recently died. I was so thankful for his generosity in taking us around to the caves and temples and then finally to his house, because we never would have seen what we did without him.

Remember what you have seen, because everything forgotten returns to the circling winds. Navejo Wind Chant



Kudos and good health to you Chumpion, wherever you are!

____________________________________________


When we were over our food poisoning from Koh Samet island, my 8-year-old daughter and I got on a local train in Bangkok that was headed south, but after a few hours on the train it was time to get off because Petchburi City looked okay from the window. I discovered later that most travellers don't stay in Petchburi, they either make it a day trip or just bypass it altogether. These are the kinds of places I love to discover.

Koh Samet

Women travelling solo, or women travelling with children, whatever you choose to do, will have a great time on the island of Samet, Thailand. It's small, the beach is fantastic, and it's not too far from Bangkok. It's laid-back, at least it was when I was there with my daughter.

Before our arrival, a fellow had been carted off with malaria, and there are bag loads of mosquitoes at night, so bring repellent. There is very little threat of malaria in Thailand; however, it pays to be cautious. I decided that we wouldn't take malaria pills because I would be travelling for nine months, and one of the instructions for taking them is to stay out of the sun. Duh. Sun. Thailand. I figured I'd probably be sicker taking them than not. I slathered my daughter in mosquito repellent at night and kept her covered up, and we minimized our time outside. Other than that, we were fine.

On the bus to Koh Samet we took in some of the devastation from the typhoon. It was extensive, as you can see. All the trees were knocked down or heavily damaged.



I was really in the mood for swimming after being in Bangkok because it's just SO HOT in the city. This was November, the perfect time to visit because there were so few tourists. Here are some of the friends that my daughter Aimee made while she was there. Students from Korea. I wound up doing everybody's hair.





Swimming - it was a wonderful beach.






The bathing beauties on the beach



___________________________________________

Monkeys were everywhere and although they're sexy, stay away from them! These guys ran off with everything.



Aimee making more friends.




Breakfast on Koh Samet



While we were on Koh Samet we celebrated Wan Loi Krathong, a festival where everybody sets out home- made floats on to the water to celebrate and worship the water gods. It was quite something to see all the lights from the little floats flickering on the water. Later there were fireworks. Friends Taj and Rita from Oregon were with us watching the fireworks haphazardly set off, missiles that streaked off in any old direction. I thought they would eventually land on the thatched roofs on the huts that lined the beach when sure enough, we followed one through the air right to the roof of a thatched hut. It caught fire and flames started to shoot up. Taj ran like a cheetah over to the hut, climbed up the side and heroically put it out. He was the star that night. It was fun. We all sang songs on the beach and had a huge fire.

We also went snorkelling with Taj and Camille, a woman we met from Sweden.




When it was time to bid adios to the Korean students at six in the morning, Aimee ran out in her nightgown to kiss them all good-bye. Sometimes she used to cry after people left, and I had to tell her that that was what happened when you travelled - you meet people, you have fun with them, and then you have to say good-bye, because everybody has to go home at some point and we all live in different places. It didn't make it any easier for her, she got so attached to some people.

Blue and Bluer in Bangkok - Travelling with Children

It's never easy traveling with children. It's a big responsibility because you want them to stay safe and healthy. It was great traveling with my 8-year-old daughter though because she had so many great experiences and I met so many people on account of her. She was shy when we left, but when I returned home nine months later, she was an outgoing little kid. The trip changed her personality because she received so much attention on account of being a red-haired kid with freckles.

It was a l-o-o-o-ng flight over to Bangkok - Vancouver to L.A, L.A. to Seoul, Seoul to Bangkok - and we were exhausted when we arrived. From the airport we shared a cab with two other young women and we went to the first hotel he brought us to. Everything in the place was blue - blue rugs, blue curtains, blue sheets, blue bedspreads, blue towels - and when my daughter woke up in the middle of the night whimpering 'I want to go home, Mommy,' I felt blue, too. Suddenly I had second thoughts about taking her out of school and packing up and just leaving. How would it all turn out?

The next morning we got up early and ate a stale breakfast and when I looked outside at the highway I had a panic attack and wanted to go back to bed. However, we must motor forth! The staff pointed us towards Bangkok and we hopped on a bus, but it wasn't long before the bus was caught up in the worst traffic jam I've ever experienced. As I sat there I realized that this was one of my worst nightmares come true, I didn't have a clue where I was going and I couldn't talk to anyone nor read anything. Where will I land up? But what really impressed me was the patience and tolerance of those on the bus, with everyone politely waiting for the cop to unwind the traffic and get everything going again.



Unfortunately, what I didn't know at the time was that Thailand had just experienced a devastating typhoon and travel south would be suspended for at least a week, so we visited the sites in Bangkok, visited some relatives and then went to Koh Samet island, which turned out to be brilliant.

First stop was the magnificent Grand Palace, which I don't have too many shots of unfortunately. Ah, the days before digital cameras! This linked website also has a long list of other cool things to see in Bangkok.







.